JEREMIAS: Today you’re telling Mike’s parents. You two have been dating for the better part of a decade, and yet we have all been assuming that your parents, Diane, wouldn't have immediately called Mike's parents on the phone and talked about the news they heard yesterday. How dumb are we, exactly? And by "we", I mean "you".

DIANE: I can tell that Mike is worried. I let him know that we could lose our anal virginity ahead of time, to let some of the tension out, but he's so tense I couldn't even suck him off. I think maybe he just needs a good whipping. Last night we talked about how we would feel 25 years from now if our kids told us they were going to do something like this, and we decided that all we would care about was the money. That made us stop and really think about things. I think we need more money, Jeremias.

JEREMIAS: What do you think, Mike?

MIKE: Whatever. Hey, did those fried clams taste funny to you guys?

JEREMIAS: You're the only one who had the clams, Mike.

MIKE: I just feel a little funny, that's all. I'm not really worried about my parents. I mean, they've done some nontraditional things too, in their time. My father has been a big advocate of medical opium, for example. And not many people are aware of the medicinal effects of crystal meth. It's more my mother I'm worried about. She's in rehab again, looking kind of twitchy, and anything - I mean anything can set her off. And we don't want a repeat of what happened last year at the parish social. It's been really difficult to keep the congregation together since then, you know, with like half of them dead.

JEREMIAS: My crew and I accompanied Mike and Diane to the meeting. Mike's father was smoking some oily substance in a colorful glass sculpture, while Mike's mother sat in a corner counting ten pennies over and over and over. Mike's father seemed to be interested in the camera. Diane explained that we were doing a documentary type film where they followed Mike and Diane around. No sooner had everyone sat down, when Mike started to shake. He looked terrible and bolted out of the room. He made it to the bathroom just in time to spew his guts out. We all played some card games until he came back. (continued tomorrow)