JEREMIAS: Today’s the day you’re going to sit down with Diane’s parents. How do you two feel about that?

MIKE: I am scared stiff, if you know what I mean. I've always kind of had a thing for Diane’s mom.

DIANE: I’m a little concerned, but not much. If I had a higher opinion of my parents it might be different.

MIKE: Honey, you can be a real cold-hearted bitch sometimes. You know your parents will just do what they think is right.

DIANE: They've just got this whole trailer-park thing going on that just makes me itch all over.

JEREMIAS: Are you going to tell them together or do you want to tell them by yourself, Diane?

DIANE: I want to…

MIKE: Together, Diane. We talked about this. We agreed.

DIANE: I know but…

MIKE: If we can explain exactly what anal sex is and why it's healthy and essential to proper bowel function, I don't think they'll go off on us or anything.

DIANE: Great. Does that mean I have to be in the room when you tell your dad? I don't want to.

MIKE: You'll do as I say, woman.

Later that Day...

JEREMIAS: How did it go?

MIKE: We sat in the dining room and told her parents. They served us fluffernutter sandwiches.

DIANE: Mom tried not to cry, but the shock was a little too much. They thought we were going to tell them that we were going to take back our TV.

JEREMIAS: How did your dad take it?

MIKE: He was mumbling to himself the whole time. I couldn't understand a word he was saying.

DIANE: After we told them, Mike and I waited outside by the pool while they talked about how they could make money from the situation. You know, book deals, selling my baby pictures, that sort of thing. They asked us to not take all of the good endorsement contracts, to leave some for them. I said maybe.