DIANE: Mike and I decided to not tell too many people because they might give us a hard time. But I just had to tell this girl I know, Sandy. She's been on Mike's jock ever since she hit puberty, and boy was she jealous! Part of her was happy for me, but she felt she had to disguise it. She kept running around the room yelling, "OH MY GAWWD!! You’ll be SHITTING COCK afterwards for DAYS! That's DISGUSTING, anal sex is DISGUSTING!" It took Sandy a while to chill.

JEREMIAS: She sounds like a real bitch queen.

DIANE: She's always had what you could call severe emotional problems. Oh, hey, don't put that in the article okay?

JEREMIAS: I’m sorry honey, this is journalism, we have to print everything.

DIANE: Oh, that's okay, I didn't really like her anymore anyway. Not after she let Mike tit-fuck her in that boob job she has.

JEREMIAS: Does this have anything to do with why I had to bail you two out of the county lockup today?

DIANE: No, that was something different. When we went into the lingerie shop, the photographer blushed. I could see the way he was looking at some of those sexy things, I think he's still in the closet. I wanted something special to wear when we go to the hotel - something sexy, but elegant. Like crotchless panties I could wear with big spiked heels that would make my butt stick out.

JEREMIAS: Sounds sexy. Did you find something suitable?

DIANE: I almost got this nice pair of long underwear, you know, the kind with the trap door in the back? I figure that could be convenient. But I eventually decided on a crotchless black teddy and big red heels. And I even got a nipple-rouging kit! That's my favorite. Sandy and I had a lot of fun putting everything on and walking around the mall. We even got a few people asking us for dates! Maybe that explains what happened this afternoon.

JEREMIAS: I think I understand. Sounds like you had a lot of fun?

DIANE: Most of the time. I have some advice for you, Jeremias.

JEREMIAS: I can't wait to hear it.

DIANE: If an undercover cop ever asks you for a date in the mall, say no.

JEREMIAS: Oh honey, I've already learned that lesson.