JEREMIAS: Diane shared some of her background with us yesterday. I think everyone would like to know a little about you. Where did you grow up?

MIKE: I've lived here all my life. My Mom cleans corpses at a local hospital and my Dad is a Catholic priest. People are always asking me how hard it is being the son of a Catholic priest, since they aren't supposed to have sex at all, much less children, but Dad’s never been too hung up on rules for the sake of rules. Folks from the parish come by our pad all the time to talk, watch Hill Street Blues, buy some dope, whatever.

He says people will always make mistakes and commit sins. But what makes a "sin" a serious sin, is the intent behind the actions. If a person was poor and stole a really cool stereo, then the actions were sinful - but the intent was not. He’s pretty cool, though I’m not sure what he’ll have to say when I tell him that I'm going to fuck my girlfriend's butt in a few days.

JEREMIAS: Diane said you met in the sixth grade. Was she lying?

MIKE: It's the truth. After what happened to her that time, nobody else would talk to her, just me. We were the resident outcasts of the class, because soon nobody would talk to me either. All through school we would walk through the halls together, ignoring all of the taunts and the objects thrown by the other kids. Everyone says that Diane and I are meant for each other because we both are fascinated with asses. Being anally fixated doesn't mean I don't think about other parts of the body. I fantasize about tits just like any other guy. But instead of fantasizing about Jenny McCarthy or Carmen Electra's tits, I dream about Uma Thurman's and Roseanne Barr's asses. Sometimes I dream about threesomes with those two and Diane, where Diane is washing my feet with warm water while Roseanne is sitting on my face and Uma is sucking my cock.

JEREMIAS: What was your reaction when Diane told you about this internet project?

MIKE: I was like, "way!" I mean, I finally get to fuck her. I've only been trying to get into her pants since puberty. Sure, I've had my share of handjobs and blowjobs, but I know that Diane's ass is going to be special.

JEREMIAS: Why do you think she wants to do this?

MIKE: We talked about how anal sex was at least as beautiful as solo masturbation, and since there's so much of that on the Internet already, it must be good and beautiful, so having some anal action on the Internet, by us virgins even, must be even more beautiful. There are a few people in my Dad's church who think that we should just have vaginal sex and get it over with, but you know, that goes against our faith. They ought to read the rule book once in a while.

JEREMIAS: You mean the Holy Bible?

MIKE: Yeah, that’s what we call it. We are bound to make mistakes, but that's how we learn - at least until one of the mistakes is fatal. I thought about what Diane wanted to do for two long seconds before I agreed to participate, which is about five times as long of a sustained cognitive effort as I've made on any other subject. I also think that the viewing of people packing fudge should be a beautiful thing and not obscene. I'm sure many people will think that what I'm doing is terrible, but I'm a virgin so they should cut me some slack. I'm sure that after a few times practicing I won't be so terrible any more. The bottom line is when I die and I'm at the gates to heaven, then I will be able to look Saint Peter directly in the tentacles and swear that I fucked Diane's ass with pride. In my heart I'm sure that God approves of every action I've ever taken. As for my Dad, well ... he's not as smart or as all-powerful as God, but in my experience he hits harder, so I really hope he understands.