DIANE: Mike made an appointment at a local veterinary clinic.

MIKE: They said that they tested for feline AIDS, so I figured it was cheaper so we might as well get that.

DIANE: If Mike didn't have that big thick cock I probably wouldn't even be speaking to him right now. Eventually we got to the right clinic--a human clinic. We went to the desk and filled out some paperwork.

MIKE: To make it more fun I always lie on paperwork like that. Especially on the medical history part.

DIANE: Just a few minutes later, our numbers are called and we go "into" a room with a bunch of other people. They look like real losers. We watched a video about AIDS which showed that it would be absolutely impossible for Mike to give me AIDS by fucking my ass, even if he fucked it long and hard, and if he came inside me with a gusher of hot, wet cum.

MIKE: It was interesting to me to see that video. For example, I don't think I'd ever seen such large nipple clamps actually used on someone before.

DIANE: They let us go together to see the counselor because we kept whining until they gave up. Plus we said that Jeremias would beat them up if they refused.

MIKE: The counselor asked both of us a bunch of nosy questions about our lifestyles and our sexual activity. I thought she was a real nosy parker, so I asked her some questions about her lifestyle and her sexual activity. Boy, she was one drug-crazed slut! She was surprised to hear that we planned on ass-fucking, though she seemed to think that we were doing the right thing.

DIANE: She said anal sex had worked out well for her in the past.

MIKE: Heheh, you said "worked out."

DIANE: After she asked us our questions and made notes, she explained the two types of AIDS tests available. The first one was the normal one where they draw blood from your arm. The second one is only for guys, where they perform a "semen extraction" and test that for AIDS. For some reason, they called that the "oral" test.

MIKE: I had never heard of an oral test and wanted to try it because it sounded new and mysterious.

DIANE: The counselor says that the oral test is just as accurate. What they do is orally extract the semen. It looks a lot like a blowjob, but the technique is different, and you absolutely can't swallow, because, hey, you've got to have something to test.

MIKE: If I'm lucky, Diane and I can get the home-testing version of the oral AIDS test and she can administer the test frequently.

DIANE: I just got a regular blood test. She said that we could come back in four days for the results, but that she might need to run another test on Mike, depending on the results of the first one.

MIKE: So I gave her my phone number. She also told us that these tests were free but they do accept donations. Diane and I each pretended to put some money in, but we took some out instead. We ordered an extra Value Meal for dinner, which we split.

DIANE: For those of you that are reading our adventure and are fucking someone or getting fucked by someone, remember you only have to practice safe sex and get an AIDS test if you're poor or uneducated. With the high technology anti-AIDS underwear they're making now hardly anyone needs to actually get tested anymore.

MIKE: Speaking of safe sex, what are we going to do?

DIANE: Anal sex is safe sex. We don't need to worry.

MIKE:No matter how hard I pound my purple love gun in-between your muscular ass cheeks?

DIANE: Don't worry about it, big boy.

MIKE:Cool! Because, you know, I really hate wearing condoms. I tried some on, just to see what it was like.

DIANE: Why is that? Do they feel too restrictive?

MIKE: That's not it. I just couldn't figure out how to put them on. It made me feel stupid and clumsy.

DIANE: Wow, you feel stupid and clumsy trying on a condom for practice but you think you can fuck me in front of a live feed to tens of thousands of Internet viewers? There's a word for that.

MIKE: I say the word is brave and adventurous.

DIANE: Those are two words.